


Squididdled

by SuccinctlySevered



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aphrodisiacs, Body Horror, F/M, Femdom, Lovecraftian Monster(s), Orgasm Control, Oviposition, Parasites, Sounding, Tentacle Sex, Tentacles, Torture, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-09-02 12:30:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16786996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuccinctlySevered/pseuds/SuccinctlySevered
Summary: Studying the monsters from beyond the furthest ring is never easy. Rose's newest specimen is no different, and she'll need some help finding a host for it to hatch from. Fortunately, Earth C is home to many friends with various powers...





	1. no way!!!

"This particular species is quite remarkable. I assure you the data gleaned from studying the grown beast would be invaluable."

Jade chewed her lip. She still wasn't sure about this.

"i don't know! it just seems like it's dangerous. the last thing i want is for someone to get hurt!!"

"I understand. For what it's worth, you have my word that I'm equally concerned about the well being of our compatriots. Is there a specific hazard you're most anxious about?"

"well...teleportation works in all kinds of weird ways! i can't predict what would happen if i tried to port an object *into* someone. i don't really know about how body stuff works :/ i could damage something!"

"Now now, you've told me before that you are unable teleport something into solid matter. It stands to reason, therefore, that any tissue obstructing the egg would simply prevent the implantation."

Rose could tell Jade was starting to realize that she was right, but also that the concept still didn't sit right with her. She'd need to feel comfortable with the idea first, and weighing the pros and cons logically was unlikely to do that by itself. Fortunately, Rose had an ace in the hole if Jade needed a bit of extra motivation.

"ok, but if it's so safe why aren't you offering to be the host, hmmmmmm?"

"I have to remain impartial in order for my data to be of any use. The creature exudes a number of substances from various glands, and some of these have been known to alter the mental state of the host. The biochemistry related to the synthesis of these is fascinating, but what's currently a mystery is--"

The hero of Space tuned out the overlong description of the known and unknown characteristics of the beast. She was as much a scientist as Rose, but her field of interest didn't extend to the zoologically dubious. Anyway, she knew the basics: it was a small subspecies of horrorterror that normally laid its eggs inside the bladder of a living host, and then "exited in the usual manner" as Rose had so tastefully put it. Normally the adults would inject these eggs into the host with the use of a needle-like ovipositor, but since Rose somehow acquired this egg without its mother (Jade really didn't want to know how) it would need to be injected artificially. Something about the pressure applied by a hypodermic needle was harmful to the egg, and Rose didn't want to use a more invasive (surgical) method because the added stress on the host was likely to hamper the egg's survival too. Jade definitely did NOT want to resort to that, but ideally she wanted Rose to abandon the project altogether.

"--phenomenal contribution to science. I wouldn't be asking you for such an unsavory favor otherwise."

"yeah i knowwwww. i get that it's really important! i just...who do we even have to do this to?"

"We have numerous options, depending on…"

"onnnnnn???"

"...Whether or not you'd be amenable to doing this in, say, a clandestine nature?"

"you mean without permission!!!!???? no way!!! no no no! how could i sleep at night? i'd never do such a thing >:("

It was time to go in for the kill.

"What if it was to Karkat?"

"..."

The silence was deafening, and Rose knew she had won. It was just a matter of waiting out the incredibly long awkward silence that followed. Jade's face twisted into a scowl, then a frown, then a grimace, as she tried and failed to pretend she didn't like the idea of throwing Karkat under the bus. His antics got under her skin more than anyone else's, and some form of payback was long overdue. She sighed heavily.

"fiiine. just...gimme the damn egg."

Rose produced a tiny glass vial. At first, Jade thought it held nothing but water, and she'd been given the wrong vial by mistake, but closer inspection revealed that there was a tiny orb suspended within it. It was no bigger than a poppy seed, and had a purple hue so dark it could easily be mistaken for one. It was clear now why her friend was so unconcerned with safety; would Karkat even be able to feel it? Well, he'd feel those enzymes or whatever, that was for sure. She accepted the vial hastily, suddenly self conscious.

"Thank you, Jade. The secrets of this meetng shall never leave my lips."

There were other secrets she wasn't sharing, but those were for her to know and Karkat to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank MarquessBrie for the original idea for this fic. I would not have been able to write it otherwise!


	2. FUCK YOU.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH NIGHTMARES ABOUT HUGE TENTACLEY ASSHOLES FOR ONE LIFETIME. PASS."

"You would prefer to handle this on your own, then?"

"NO, YOU DOLT. I WOULD PREFER NOT TO HAVE TO HANDLE IT AT ALL. WAS YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR OWN NOOK THAT YOU NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY THAT I MIGHT NOT ENJOY HAVING MY BODY USED AS A CHEAP MOTEL FOR WHATEVER ELDRITCH BUM HAPPENS TO BE BLOWING THROUGH TOWN?"

"If you're laboring under the misapprehension that I can somehow prevent this process after it has begun, I believe I have some less-than-pleasant news."

"OH MY GOD. *OHHHH*. MY FUCKING. GOD. NO."

When Rose had invited him to dinner to discuss "An important matter", Karkat had naturally assumed it was about Kanaya. As unpleasant as explaining basic troll biology to a human was, he couldn't pass up the chance to get an inside scoop on how their relationship was faring. Not that he had any doubts about their success, but because tiny details of gossip were his one weakness. Well, one of his weaknesses.

Their actual conversation was understandably disappointing, then, when Rose instead launched into an elaborate description of her latest subject of study. Her offer to oversee the growth of a tiny specimen within his body wouldn't have been appealing even if he had been in a good mood, but this latest revelation was like a kick in the teeth.

"I'm sorry, Karkat, but it has selected you for whatever inscrutable reason. I can hear its tiny whispers from here."

"HA HA HA. BE SURE TO TELL JOHN OR JANE OR WHOEVER THE FUCK PUT YOU UP TO THIS PRANK THAT I WAS THOROUGHLY BAMBOOZLED, AND THAT I MADE A COMPLETE ASS OF MYSELF, AND THAT THE ENTIRE WAITSTAFF CAME OUT TO LAUGH AT ME AS I COWERED IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN SHIT."

"I can see you're not taking this well. But you needn't worry."

"OH, I NEEDN'T? THANK FUCKING GOD FOR THAT. IT REALLY IS A LOAD OFF MY MIND! AND HERE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN ACTUAL FUCKIN PROBLEM."

"This should have run it's course in less than two weeks. I'll stay with you in your hive to monitor the situation. There shouldn't be any complications, but hopefully the presence of a friend will make the ordeal more bearable."

"FUCK YOU."

"You're welcome."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT *YOU* IN MY HIVE? I'LL JUST CALL UP DAVE, AND--"

"And tell him your abdomen has a miniature horrorterror squirming around in it? With all due respect to my brother, his reaction isn't likely to be mature and reasonable. Then again, perhaps one of the multitude of other people he will inevitably tell about it could help you."

Karkat was visibly shaking with rage. She was right. He didn't want to face this alone, and he didn't want anyone else to find out. He suspected her claim about hearing whispers from the creature was bogus, but he didn't want to ask for a second opinion from another derse dreamer in case it turned out to be true. All he could do was grab handfulls of tablecloth and grit his teeth at Rose, who was casually eating her food like nothing was wrong. He didn't even realize she had played a part in getting the egg inside him, which is probably why he wasn't also frothing at the mouth.

All in all, Rose thought, it had gone pretty well.


	3. Measures may have to be taken

To Karkat's credit, he made a genuine effort to make sure Rose was comfortable. She was sleeping on the couch, and the living room was now her bedroom. He gave her pillows, blankets, and privacy; he hadn't set foot in that block since helping her set up. Of course, he was still pretty difficult to be around. For all his hospitality, he was absolutely adamant that her presence was not appreciated, and took every possible opportunity to complain and generally make himself a nuisance. Sometimes it wasn't even intentional. For instance, every now and then a scream of rage swept through the hive, this usually meant he had seen something online he didn't much care for. Rose scarcely dared imagine the fire and brimstone heaped upon those souls unfortunate enough to post a negative review of a movie he liked.

A small pile of books and papers on the floor served as Rose's makeshift study. The blank paper was for taking notes on Karkat's condition, and the books held a wealth of information on horrorterrors big and small. There wasn't a whole lot to report, really. The egg was fairly small and it would naturally take some time to grow large enough to be detectable, so the first three night's worth of notes only held transcripts of things "The Subject" had said that Rose found humorous. At dusk of the fourth night, Karkat promised himself that he'd call bullshit on the whole ordeal and kick Rose out if there was no evidence of any parasitism whatsoever by dawn. That aftermidnight, he had a dreadful realization.

"ROSE. I FUCKING. HAVEN'T PISSED ALL DAY!"

"Really? Have you been keeping hydrated?"

"NO, ROSE, I HAVE CUT MYSELF OFF COLD-GOBBLEBEAST FROM DRINKING ANY FLUIDS WHATSOEVER, AND I HADN'T REALIZED THAT THIS WOULD RESULT IN MY INABILITY TO PISS!! MYSTERY FUCKING SOLVED."

Rose scribbled some notes on the clipboard she kept with her.

"Working on the assumption that your penchant for sarcasm is unchanged, I'd hypothesize that the parasite has grown large enough to obstruct the flow of urine. Is there any discomfort?"

"NO, BUT BASIC FUCKING COMMON SENSE DICTATES THAT I'LL HAVE TO PEE *EVENTUALLY* AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO!"

"Your concerns are valid; however, the beast does absorb, for lack of a better term, "piss" in order to grow."

"GREAT! IT EATS PISS! I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT. I CAN REST EASY NOW THAT I KNOW THE ELDER GOD RESIDING IN MY BOWELS FEEDS ON MY URINE."

"Excellent, but if you haven't peed by this time tomorrow night, measures may have to be taken regardless."

"MEASURES? ROSE, YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A WEALTH OF COMFORTING NEWS. I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT THESE "MEASURES" ARE, I'LL BET IT'S GONNA BE A WALK IN THE RECREATIONAL HABITAT AREA."

It was business as usual for the next 20 or so hours. There had been, in fact, no piss. With only 4 hours to go before "measures" were taken, Karkat eyed the load gaper wearily. His imagination was running wild with panic as he tried to coax his body to urinate, bulge in hand, before time ran out. He remembered that stress was counterproductive, and that he was stressing, which only made him more stressed out. His cycle of self-loathing and anxiety was broken with a fright as a hand rested on his shoulder.

"WHAT THE BULGE FLIPPING FUCK. CAN'T I EVEN GET SOME PRIVACY IN MY OWN DAMN HIVE?"

"I apologize. Unfortunately, your privacy may have to be compromised in order to properly--"

"OH! OH BOY, IS THIS IT? IS IT TIME FOR "MEASURES" ALREADY? MY BLOOD PUSHER THROBS WITH BARELY CONTAINED DELIGHT!"

Rose didn't bother responding. Standing behind her furious patient, she brought both her hands around to his front and started massaging his abdomen. Looking down at her hands working just above his bulge, Karkat's mouth hung agape as he could scarcely believe the indignity being forced on him. Her fingers pressing on him didn't exactly hurt, but the process was making his need for release more urgent. Was she out of her mind? Did she think squeezing his bladder would shoot the pee out, hitchhiking abomination and all? He had almost regained his ability to speak when he felt something shift, and some pee did in fact make its way out through his bulge and into the waiting load gaper. He half expected it to be black with some kind of evil sludge, but it was actually strangely clear. Rose withdrew her hands and washed them in the nearby sink while Karkat recovered.

"Phenomenal. I take it the pressure has returned to a more comfortable level?"

"WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK."

"By dislodging the fledgling horror, urine was able to pass uninhibited through your urethra until it settled again. You'll probably have to repeat this process tomorrow."

She left the bathroom to update her notes, leaving Karkat speechlessly staring at his own bulge.


	4. I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE AFTER ALL

Breakfast the next night was awkward. Karkat was clearly worried about drinking too much, pouring milk very sparingly on his grubflakes. This did not go unnoticed by Rose, who immediately whipped out her notebook and began writing, an act which prompted her host to give a lengthy excuse for avoiding liquids.

"So am I to believe this decision was made independently of your mounting concerns regarding urination?"

"YES. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THOSE CONCERNS, WHICH BY THE WAY, I DON'T HAVE."

"You will still need to drink, you know."

"YES ROSE, I'M NOT A WIGGLER; I CAN TAKE FUCKING CARE OF MYSELF!"

"That's not the impression I got whilst massaging--"

"YES! YES THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME ABOUT THAT, I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD ALMOST MANAGED TO PUT THAT MORTIFYING EXPERIENCE OUT OF MY MIND. WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT TO DO I CAN MASSAGE MY OWN SELF. IN FACT, HERE'S A CRAZY IDEA: YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME WHAT TO DO AND AVOIDED THAT NIGHTMARE ALTOGETHER."

His face was getting redder by the minute, and Rose was finding it harder and harder to keep a straight face. Fortunately, Karkat left the room in a huff before she completely lost it. Jade was going love reading tonight's notes.

Things had calmed down again by lunchtime, and when Karkat announced he was heading to the gaper, Rose didn't even comment. Taking this as a sign of assent, he strutted off alone. When he returned to the couch a few minutes later, he was somewhat flustered and trying to hide it.

"...Everything ok?"

"YES."

"I didn't hear a flush."

"WELL, I DIDN'T HEAR ANYONE ASKING IF YOU DID!"

"Well, did you?"

"WHAT?"

"Did you flush?"

"...NO!"

"Come on. Let's go."

Rose put down the book she had been reading and stood up. After some intense protestations, Karkat finally stood up too, and they both made their way to the bathroom. She stood behind him once again, and peered over his shoulder as he undid his pants and demonstrated how he had tried earlier. She couldn't see his face, but he was blushing so hard that she could sense its heat nonetheless.

"SEE!? I TOLD YOU I'M DOING IT RIGHT."

"Indeed. Let me have a feel."

"WAIT, HEY! OW!"

Her hands were already on him, prodding and pushing on his bladder a bit more forcefully this time. She could definitely feel the difference from before; there was more fluid and the horror was likely a bit bigger too. Judging from his protests, it was a good deal more uncomfortable too. After a minute, she withdrew her hands. No sooner had she done so, Karkat changed to complaining about the fact that she had stopped.

"WHAT, SO THIS IS IT? EVEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO? I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE AFTER ALL!"

In the midst of this tirade, Rose brought one of her hands around again without warning, this time grabbing directly at his bulge. That certainly shut him up, and as she moved her hand ever so slightly, it also began to harden. While he was frozen and speechless with embarrassment, her other hand moved in to press on his abdomen again. Barely a second later, he felt it shift inside him, and he sighed involuntarily in relief as another clear stream of pee left him. Rose held on until this stream petered out, then let go unceremoniously and moved to wash her hands.

"Hmm. Yes. It's just as I thought."

"WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK JUST HAPPENED!!!??"

"The terror responds to arousal. It's reached a stage in it's development where--"

"SHUT UP, YOU'RE TELLING ME I HAVE TO HAVE A FUCKING ERECTION TO PISS?"

"Well, not exactly. If you get fully erect, that will prevent urination as well."

"FUCKING PERFECT. ARE THERE ANY OTHER MIND-BLOWINGLY HUMILIATING SECRETS TO THIS THING YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?"

"I'm afraid not. Remember, my interest in this study stems from my ignorance of many details pertaining to this creature's gestation."

With that, she left to update her notes. Alone with his shame, eventually he managed to pull himself together enough to put his bulge away, flush, and clean his hands.

Dinner was even more awkward.


	5. Kickstart the process

"I have a favor to ask."

Karkat didn't look up. He was slumped in his big easy chair, sulking and staring into the distance as he tried to remember happier times. Times where all he had to worry about was the end of the universe and certain death.

"I'd like to collect a sample of urine next time. It would allow me to--"

"FINE SURE WHATEVER."

Rose was taken aback. She hadn't expected him to agree right away, but she wasn't going to argue. She was just about to thank him and leave him to his brooding when he stood up.

"IN FACT, WHY WAIT. LETS DO THIS NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH."

"Well. You're quite eager. Thank you, your cooperation is appreciated."

Was he starting to accept his fate...or was he looking forward to her touch? The idea was amusing, to say the least. Rose couldn't help but smile brightly as she unscrewed the lid on the plastic urinalysis cup. Karkat dutifully stood before the load gaper and undid his pants, letting his bulge flop out unceremoniously.

"Try and see if you can accomplish it yourself. I'll hold the cup."

If he was disappointed about her not touching him this time, he hid it well. Either that, or the overwhelming embarrassment of having to stroke himself while she watched took precedence. Not that he had to stroke very much; it was only a few moments before his bulge started to lift and stand up, at which point he let go and prodded his belly instead. He squeaked a bit as he felt the monster shift inside him and released a stream of pee, which Rose caught handily in the cup. When it was full she managed to pull it away from the continuing stream without making a mess, and sealed the container quickly. A grunt from Karkat called her attention back to him, and she saw that his erection had started to get harder and block the flow. As she watched, it grew fully erect and the stream stopped completely. Apparently this did not feel good, because he began yelling at his own bulge.

"COME THE FUCK ON. THERE'S MORE. I'M NOT DONE, GO BACK DOWN! FUCK!"

He turned his head towards her; his face could not have been redder.

"UM. CAN YOU LEAVE ME PLEASE? I THINK...I THINK THAT WOULD HELP..."

"Certainly. And thank you for this contribution."

Her smile was even wider now, and she left the bathroom knowing that it was her mere presence making him hard. Sure enough, it wasn't long after she left that she heard a flush; his erection must have subsided enough to let him finish.

Rose immediately got to work analysing the sample. She had a compact yet sophisticated urinalysis machine in her makeshift bedroom, and it soon provided a report based on the contents of the cup. Her hypothesis was right on the money: the urine leaving Karkat's body was just water! The growing horror was apparently absorbing everything else entirely. It would probably be cleaner and safer to drink than tapwater, but Rose didn't feel the need to prove that theory. She considered sharing the results with Karkat immediately, but decided to give him some space.

Unfortunately, his private time only ended up being quite brief indeed. Not a moment after Rose made the decision to leave him be, a loud yelp was heard coming from his room. She hurried to his aid, already having deduced what had happened. As she threw open then door, Karkat was sitting on the edge of his recuperacoon, hunched over in pain and clutching his bulge. She tried to look apologetic, but it was difficult to do so while grinning from ear to ear.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME! FUCK!"

"I should have anticipated this. You have my apologies, but I didn't realize you were going to kickstart the process this early."

"WHAT FUCKING PROCESS?"

"Well, as I mentioned before, the creature responds to arousal. It does this because the next phase of its growth requires the host to reach orgasm. At that point, it extends a tendril into your urethra to intercept the ejaculate before it leaves. Not all the nutrients it needs to grow can be found in urine, you understand. It needs your genetic material to fully mature."

"OH. MY. FUCK."

"Again, I apologise. I had assumed it would be another day or so before this occurred naturally; most likely while you were sleeping. I should have realized my presence would spurr you to do it manually."

"FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU"

The pain that had initially accompanied his orgasm had subsided, but he was still hunched over in an attempt to shrink away from her gaze. The spike of pain caused by cumming with nowhere for the cum to go was nothing compared to the humiliation. He had been caught out, and she didn't even have the common decency to be upset! It was like she enjoyed having him jerk off to her in his room, and then immediately get punished for it. Karkat decided he would not be bringing himself to orgasm again until this whole ordeal was behind him.

This, it would turn out, was completely untrue.


	6. Stuck at home

Waking up next dusk was a challenge for Karkat. He hadn't been able to get much sleep because dirty thoughts kept entering his dreams. He'd wake up with his bulge in hand, horny as hell, and then remember that there were consequences to cumming. The arousal made it difficult for him to fall back asleep, and when he did eventually doze off, it wasn't long before another erotic dream woke him up. This cycle repeated for what seemed like an eternity, until finally he heard Rose get up and start moving around downstairs.

Being tired wasn't the only thing keeping him in his recuperacoon, though. He also knew he would have to face Rose when he got up, and he wanted to postpone that as much as possible. Just thinking about that smug look she'd inevitably have on her face was making him angry. To make matters worse, he had a raging hard-on that would only be another source of humiliation if he couldn't find a way to disguise it under his clothes. So, having given up on sleep and unwilling to face being awake just yet, he closed his eyes and let himself gradually sink into the sopor slime. Pretending not to exist would be okay for another couple of hours...

After an uncertain amount of time passed, his eyes flew open again at the sound of knocking on his door. He stared at the door through the hole in the 'coon, daring it to make another noise.

"Hello? Is the situation alright in there?"

"GO AWAY."

"Wonderful. Is there any chance you'll be accompanying me in the land of the living tonight?"

"FUCK NO."

"Really? I'm coming in."

"NO, WAIT! FINE. YOUR COERCION HAS WORKED, WELL DONE, YOU SUCCESSFULLY TWISTED MY ARM AND NOW I'M GETTING UP! ARE YOU HAPPY?"

Rose patiently waited outside the door while the unruly troll got himself dressed, cursing the entire time. She tried to put on a sympathetic smile when the door finally opened; hopefully it wouldn't come across as condescending. She needn't have bothered. Karkat didn't even spare her a glance as he quickly stomped past her, down the stairs, and to the kitchen. It was just after lunch time, and he still hadn't had breakfast, so he was understandably hungry. Maybe his mood would improve once he'd eaten? Hope springs eternal.

Downstairs, Karkat was absolutely demolishing the small but thoughtful plate of food Rose had left out. A twinge of guilt added itself to his medley of feelings; she really was helping him through this despite also pushing his buttons. Having finished the toast and sausages, he decided to wash it all down with a big glass of orange juice. So what if it meant his next stop was the bathroom? Rose herself had said he had to drink. And he knew how to pee on his own now anyway! Empowered, he strode into the bathroom ready to face whatever challenges the day would throw at him. And here was the first challenge: Rose lying in wait with another urine cup! He snatched it from her hand.

"I'LL DO IT. DON'T WATCH ME, IT'D BE WEIRD."

"Empirical evidence certainly supports that claim. Very well."

As soon as the door was closed behind her, Karkat got his bulge out and got to work. He was already at the perfect balance between hard and flaccid, and quickly got a good stream going. All in all, a complete success. Cup filled and gaper flushed, he inspected the freshly harvested urine and his heart sank.

"ROSE!"

"Yes? You wouldn't be attempting to "make this weird" now, would you?"

"HAHA! NOPE. FUNNILY ENOUGH, IT'S ACTUALLY WAY MORE SERIOUS!"

Karkat stormed into the living room and presented the sample to his caretaker and scientist. It was clear why he was upset, or to put it another way, it was not clear. There was a faint but undeniable purple tint to today's sample. Rose accepted the cup nonchalantly, putting it into the analyzer without saying a word.

"THANKS FOR THE EXPLANATION; IT'S SO HELPFUL TO KNOW WHY I'M PEEING PURPLE. IMAGINE IF YOU'D JUST LEFT ME IN THE LURCH, TWISTING IN THE FOUL WINDS OF--"

"It's a pheromone secreted by the creature. I'm not entirely certain what effect it has on the host, hence the analysis."

"SO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THIS IS GOING TO DO TO ME?"

"Well, I have a fairly likely hypothesis..."

Without breaking eye contact, she reached out and grabbed his bulge through his pants. A shiver swept through him as he was overcome by a combination of shock, pleasure, fear, and embarrassment. He stood stock still, eyes locked on her confident smirk. After a second she let go and turned her attention to the quietly whirring machine. Meanwhile, her momentarily-paralyzed subject processed what was happening to him: this parasite needed semen to live and grow. To that end, it was keeping him in a near-constant state of arousal. While he could still reach climax, he had lost the ability to ejaculate, and instead felt stabs of pain in his groin. Worse still, he was stuck at home with a girl who took delight in tormenting him, and there was no way he was leaving the hive in this condition. Time seemed to stand still, as though the universe paused itself to let his pheromone-addled think pan catch up. As the last of these revelations dawned on him, the world slowly sped up again back to normal speed. Karkat picked his jaw up off the floor and sprinted off to his respiteblock. He wasn't entirely sure what he was going to do there, but priority number one was to put some distance between him and the cruel, yet very attractive, human.

The door closed behind him with a satisfyingly loud slam. Catching his breath, he realized his internal monologue had just used the words "very attractive" to describe Rose. This wasn't bad because it was _wrong_ , per se, but because his mind typically didn't venture into that territory unbidden. Though, now that he had ventured into said territory, he had to admit there was a lot to like about her. Her confidence, her style, the way those god tier pajamas hugged her round--no! Karkat shook his head. Thinking about her was just making it worse! He sat down in the chair at his desk, and stared down at his bulge, which was flexing visibly under his pants. It was as though it was trying to burst through his underwear somehow, and the confined feeling was...uncomfortable. Standing briefly, he stripped down, leaving only his shirt on, and stared at what had to be his most erect boner ever. Carefully, he reached out, and gently, carefully, touched the shaft. That was the end of his ability to restrain himself, and not a second later he was jerking off furiously. It was glorious. Everything was okay: his bulge felt good, he was relaxed, all his usual self loathing melted away...then suddenly, he felt himself pass the point of no return. Instinctively, he grabbed a tissue from his desk to prevent a mess, but was soon reminded that he couldn't make a mess even if he tried. His orgasm reached its zenith, and a wave of pain hit him like a truck. He let out a wordless shout and grabbed his bulge at the base, which seemed to help somewhat despite the fact that the sensation hurt deeper at the root than his hand could grab. As the last spurts of jism were pumped backwards into his bladder, there was finally some relief. Karkat slouched down in his chair, panting and unsatisfied, but for the moment placated. His bulge had returned to an almost flaccid state, and his mind felt less cloudy and distracted. Feeling at least partially victorious, he sat up again in his chair and swiveled around absentmindedly.

"Hello."

"FUCK!"

"I couldn't help but overhear you just now, so I thought I'd--"

"FUCK OFF! YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A PUSHER ATTACK! YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SNEAK IN AND SCARE ME TO DEATH?"

"...deliver some good news, actually."

His face was bright red, but he managed to keep his angry thoughts inside for the moment. If he caught her glancing at his bulge, that would be a different matter, but for now he could definitely use some good news.

"The analysis is complete, and the substance present in your urine was not merely an aphrodisiac. There are other chemical profiles, one of which appears to be some form of loosening agent."

"A WHAT?"

"An agent designed to soften the tissue it contacts to make it more pliable. Your bladder and urethra will adapt to their new functions more easily, stretching somewhat to accommodate the increased pressure. I'm saying it will hurt less."

The last sentence was added when she saw that Karkat didn't seem to understand how a stretched bladder and urethra constituted "good news". While it still sounded alarming, he had to concede that it made him feel a lot better. She was, after all, on his side; maybe he shouldn't have been so angry at her. Was she really to blame? Probably not, though she could stand to learn a thing or two about appropriate bedside manner. In the end, Karkat chalked it up to his frustration and inability to think clearly as a result of the overpowering chemicals invading his body. Well, that and his natural propensity for overreaction. As Rose turned to leave his room, he did see her eyes flicker to his still-not-quite-soft bulge. Instead of launching into another of his famous rants, he decided to just let it go. It had already been an exhausting night, and it wasn't even 4:00 yet. His tired eyes drifted over to his recuperacoon, and the prospect of catching a quick nap before that abominable creature compelled him to jerk off again was very attractive. Not a minute later, he was fast asleep, and secretly congratulated himself on not totally losing it at Rose.

There would be plenty of opportunities for that later.


	7. PERFECTLY PRACTICAL SOLUTION

The nap only lasted about two and a half hours, but it was a welcome rest nevertheless. Groggily, Karkat rose from his recuperacoon and washed the slime off himself once again. He put on a fresh shirt, but found there was a significant obstacle to putting on pants. It was his bulge. It refused to fold even slightly, and there was no way he could her the waistband around that thing while it was jutting out at a 90 degree angle from his pelvis. After weighing his options and some creative problem solving, he managed to stick his bulge out the fly and get his pants up onto his hips. There was only one problem: the pants failed to cover up the one part of himself he desperately wanted covered. Could he really set foot outside his respitblock like this? No. The thought of having his bulge waving around in the open air for Rose to see...well, ok. That was kind of hot. There was no denying that anymore, but Karkat was damned if he was going to let Rose have the satisfaction of knowing it! In a moment of inspired lunacy, he grabbed a clean sock and sheathed his erection in it, tucking the hem of the sock behind his fly so it would stay on. It was the only way he was going to be able to cover his unyielding boner.

Striding back downstairs--and only slightly distracted by the sensation of the fabric against his most sensitive area--he found Rose in the kitchen. She put down her book, took one look at Karkat's getup, and let out an uncharacteristic shriek of laughter.

"Oh my. I apologise. I wasn't expecting your unwavering modesty to manifest in such an outlandish fashion statement."

"THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT WHAT I'M WEARING. THIS IS A PERFECTLY PRACTICAL SOLUTION!"

"You're wearing a sock over your bulge."

"YES, HA HA HA. LAUGH IT UP, LALONDE! I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS YEAR'S FASHION WAS TO JUST LEAVE OUR GENITALS HANGING OUT, HOW GAUCHE OF ME!"

"You do realize that repurposed sock does nothing to hide your aroused condition, don't you? Or did you think I lacked the capacity for object permanence, and that I would assume your bulge had disappeared the moment it was obscured from view?"

Karkat's mouth opened to yell some more, but no sound came out. Rose had grasped the cloth-covered erection in her hand, and the sensation shut down his ability to move or speak. All he could do was stare down at the hand that was electrocuting his entire body, arms limp and mouth open. Her grip was firm and warm, and his shaft had been crying out for attention since he'd woken up. She began to move her hand, slowly, and the pleasurable sensation intensified. Her hand reached the tip and changed direction, sliding back down towards the base. Karkat's legs buckled, and he fell to the floor on all fours. The fall broke her grip, and the momentary lack of stimulation gave him just enough time to scream "WHAT?" before she knelt beside him and resumed giving him the world's slowest handjob. Any faster, and Karkat was sure the overstimulation would have killed him instantly. After only five strokes in this compromising position, he felt the tidal waves of pleasure build into a tsunami. A hoarse gasp signalled his orgasm, and Rose's slender fingers tightened. The rush of semen again caused him discomfort as it was forced to do a 180 in his urethra, but it wasn't like the kick in the crotch he'd felt earlier. It was probably some combination of the "loosening agent" working its magic already and his load being smaller this time around. Rose waited until she was sure his climax had passed before letting go, and his bodly slumped to the floor in a heap. He couldn't see, and realized it was because his eyes had rolled back. As his brain rebooted, he rolled them forward again but didn't bother actually making them focus on the orange blob kneeling beside him. Speaking wasn't happening either, it was all he could do to keep breathing.

"Good job. I'll give you a few minutes respite, but we need to keep repeating this process. The sooner it gets its share of nutrients, the sooner it can mature and evacuate your body. Going for hours at a time without orgasm is what's responsible for the severity of your reaction just now."

Karkat groaned in acknowedgement. He couldn't really form coherent thoughts, but he got the gist of what she was saying. Summoning all his strength, he rolled himself onto his back and closed his eyes. He would just have to lie there waiting. Waiting for the orange goddess to return.


	8. You need it

Gradually, rational thought began to form in Karkat's mind once again. As he bacame aware of his surroundings, he noticed his hand was on his bulge, and quickly removed it. It cried out for stimulation; the aphrodisiac made it so sensitive and needy he couldn't bear keeping his hand away. He grabbed it again. What was the point anyway? Rose had seen everything. She had touched it. She seemed to take great joy in making him embarrassed, so why give her the satisfaction? It was time to be shameless: Karkat began stroking.

He was nearing orgasm again when he heard her telltale footsteps approaching, and opened his eyes to see her smirking down at him. That did it. With a quiet grunt, his hips bucked and his bulge twitched in ecstacy. No pain this time; it was a much smaller load.

"Wonderful. But it behooves me to suggest moving to a more suitable area; perhaps on a more forgiving surface?"

Karkat nodded his assent. He was feeling very weak, but the hard floor was starting to hurt his back. Summoning all his strength, he raised himself to a sitting position. Rose stood in front of him and extended her hands to help him to his feet, which he gratefully accepted. She helped him walk and guided him to her room, where her bedroll lay invitingly. "OH THANK FUCK." was all he could say before lying down again, much comfier this time. Rose knelt beside him, but her face was not pointed at his...her gaze was locked to his bulge, which started twitching and pulsing as soon as he noticed she was staring at it. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again almost immediately when he realized he had nothing to say. Was he dreaming, or was her hand reaching for it again? Yes. Yes, she was grabbing...and...stroking...his bulge...

He came at least four more times over the next 15 minutes, each climax giving just a pittance of food to the parasite. Rose's hand, that pleasure-granting hand of a goddess, didn't seem to be tiring. Her pace was fairly slow, after all. His bulge was starting to hurt, though, and he raised a hand to her wrist, motioning for her to stop.

"Yes, is something the matter?"  
"IT'S. RAW."

Without saying another word, she reached for her bag and searched its contents for the bottle of lube she had packed for this very occasion. Karkat's eyes widened as she dispensed some onto her hand and resumed pleasuring him. It was cold, but that was a welcome sensation to the burning surface of his most sensitive parts. The endless handjob continued, and Karkat grabbed handfulls of bedding as another orgasm shot it's way though him. She kept going. He could feel his sanity slipping away, being replaced by sparks and static and ecstacy. His sense of time all but vanished, all he could think about was how long it would be until his next climax. How long had he been here? Had he ever...not been here? He felt more and more drained, the chemical mixture being exuded by the monster was spurring his body to expend whatever energy it had to produce more and more food for the hungry beast.

It took roughly an hour of this before he passed out again from sheer exhaustion. Rose took this time to rest her hands (she had been switching between them, but Karkat hadn't been present enough to notice) and update her notes. She also filled a large water bottle for her subject to drink when he awoke; he would be extremely thirsty. Finally, she got back to reading her book.

Karkat's dreams were vivid. He was lying on an endless expanse of orange, unable to move. The orange landscape shifted, a mountain veering up behind him and leaning forward over his prone body. The mountain smiled down at him, and he fell instantly in love. He wanted to extend his arms and hug her, but they wouldn't obey him. Instead, she leaned down towards him, lips pursed, and shrank as she got closer. By the time her face was close enough to give him a peck on the cheek, she was back to her usual size. Rose was kissing him. He turned to face her and return the kiss, and her face was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The rest of her body was a blurry and amorphous blob, but still it somehow filled him with lust. He mentally willed her to touch him with it, and an orange tendril extended itself and wrapped around him. It was electric. All he could think about was more, more, more. The orange horrorterror wearing Rose's face happily obliged, wrapping multiple other tentacles around him and electrocuting him with each one. It felt so good, but he couldn't cum. The voltage increased gently, amplifying the pleasure but also the need for release. Release which he couldn't have. Why was she torturing him like this? It didn't matter. He only felt love when he looked into her eyes. Though she didn't speak, he felt her telling him that it would be ok. He would have his release. She was so proud of him for helping her, and promised that his patience would be rewarded. More tentacles converged on his body, each one injecting it with pleasure, and her face--that beautiful, lovable, sexy face--leaned closer to him for another kiss. Their lips met, and--

Karkat woke with a gasp, panting to catch his breath. His head hurt. His throat was dry. And his bulge still had lightning arcing out of it. Wait, really? A quick glance told him that, no, it wasn't actually doing that, but it sure felt like it. Rose saw his movements out the corner of her eye, and quickly closed her book. The sight of her reminded him how badly he needed to get off, and he got to work with his hands as she strode across the room to him.

"No. Drink first. You need it, you're dehydrated."

The last thing Karkat wanted to do was take his hands off his bulge...but he found himself unable to disobey. He realized that she could tell him to do practically anything, and he'd do it. She had complete control now...

...but it would be worth it.


	9. Holy Fucking Shit

"TH...THANKS."

Karkat sat up and chugged the large water bottle as quickly as he could. It was the best tasting water he'd ever had, but what was actually motivating him was the need to lie down again and get off. His sleep-induced lack of stimulation had allowed his mind to recover somewhat, albeit at the cost of making his body feel like he'd die if he didn't cum soon. Now that he had his wits about him, he realized that it had been more than a day since he used the bathroom. Having finished the water, he handed the bottle back to Rose and cautiously put a hand on his abdomen to confirm that, sure enough, his bladder felt firm and swollen under his skin. Those chemicals making his tissue more pliable were really something!

"Very good. Are you ready to start again?"

He nodded so hard, he nearly got whiplash. There was no way he could wait another instant, and as he lay back down her hand touched his bulge again. The contact made him gasp, and when her fingers curled into a fist, he was already beginning an orgasm. He didn't know exactly how long he'd been out, but it was long enough that his body had had time to produce a truly massive load, and he could feel it surging through him. Karkat's face was frozen in a look of shock: eyes wide and mouth hanging open. It felt so good, and lasted so long...when it eventually subsided 20 seconds later, his eyes started to work again and he realized he'd been staring at Rose's face. She'd made eye contact the whole time; her expression was halfway between an encouraging smile and a malevolent smirk. Without looking away, she began to move her hand up and down.

"Well. That appeared to be pleasurable."

Karkat had no response other than getting even redder in the face. It was all he could do to breathe! He tried to close his eyes, but found that he enjoyed seeing Rose's beautiful face, and her gorgeous body, and her air of control and superiority, and...ohgodanotherclimax. A small giggle escaped her lips, which gave him pins and needles all over his paralyzed body. She turned to look at his bulge, and Karkat swore she was moving in slow motion as her hair bounced slightly from the movement.

Rose had felt something with her hand: the base of her captive friend's bulge was wider than before. As her fingers reached this enlarged portion, the already rock-hard flesh felt even tighter and more unyielding than ever. Karkat didn't notice; he was too distracted by the way her eyelashes moved gloriously every time she blinked.

"Exciting. It seems we've reached the home stretch. You must be eager to have this ordeal behind you?"

His reply was a gurgly groan. It was hard to tell if he'd even understood what she said, but Rose continued.

"See the slight distension at the base? That should be the creature making it's exit. Your orgasms will advance it incrementally."

With her other hand, she gave the thickened portion of his member a gentle squeeze without slowing her pumping motion at all. It felt both agonizing and wonderful, and Karkat's fists clenched even tighter around the handfuls of blanket they still held as yet another climax silently screamed it's way through his entire person. Though he was far too out of it to see, the wider base of his bulge extended slightly, further along the shaft. Despite these orgasms feeling better than anything he'd ever experienced, the sense of satisfaction continued to elude him. The need to shoot stuff out was unbearable, he needed to spray his genetic material all over the place yesterday.

And so, it continued. Gradually, his entire bulge became thick and solid, stretched to the absolute breaking point by the creature living within. Though Rose was using generous amounts of lube, the friction of her fingers against the straining surface of his most sensitive area was agonizing. The pain or the pleasure would have been enough to make him scream on their own, but together? All he could manage was a hoarse squeak every now and then. As yet another unsatisfying, yet intense, orgasm blew what was left of his mind, the very tip of his bulge parted slightly. There was a tiny purple tentacle poking out. Rose gasped and withdrew her hand.

"Oh! Look! It's visible!"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

The sudden lack of stimulation had given him just enough clarity to let his voice work again. It would only be a matter of time before the desperate need for stimulation outweighed the unbearable sensations it caused, so he used the opportunity to catch his breath. With what looked to be Herculean effort, he tilted his head forward to look at what Rose was so excited about. Sure enough, about an inch of squirming monster was sticking out of his bulge...which he noticed was also much larger than he'd ever seen it.

"FUCK. IS THE WHOLE THING...GOING TO--WHOA HEY AAAAAH!"

Rose had touched the tentacle briefly, and at her touch it squirmed within him. There were no words to describe what it felt like; he had never experienced this bizarre sensation before, and probably never would again. That having been said, it was quite pleasurable. Karkat reached for the tiny imposter himself, touching it gently and feeling it thrash around against the sides of his urethra. It was about the diameter of a charger cable, perhaps a bit smaller, and was a very light grey color. His mind was quickly becoming clouded by overpowering lust, however, and he couldn't resist stroking himself. As soon as his hand made contact, he grunted with shock as an orgasm hit him unexpectedly. He could feel the movement of the tentacle as it was pushed another inch out of him; he wondered how many more such inches there would be.

While he lay there trying to recover, he noticed that Rose had de-lubed her hands and was taking notes. He tried to tell her he needed her help NOW and she could write notes down LATER, but all he managed was a feeble grunt. Hopefully, she'd know what that meant. He couldn't reach the lube, and the friction of his hands was still agonizing...he had to do something. Maybe there was a more...direct way to move things along? Desperate to try anything that might provide some form of relief, he carefully grabbed the errant tentacle by the thumb and forefinger and started to pull. The creature did NOT like this, apparently, and squirmed inside him violently. The intensity of those indescribable sensations was enough to make Karkat's whole body shake, and as he gingerly held his aching bulge, another orgasm turned his muscles to jelly. He couldn't move. No matter how much his body cried out for stimulation, it was also unable to provide it. As the unbearable need took up more and more of his mind, his vision grew fuzzy. An orange blob moved into view, and he mentally breathed a sigh of relief.

Rose didn't waste time. She got to work with both hands and a generous helping of lubricant, teasing out climax after climax from the helpless troll. Karkat could only lie there and take it as his strength, sight, and mind gradually returned.

"Right. I should have preempted your move to accelerate the process with a warning about its paralytic defense mechanism. No matter. You'll recover."

The grin she flashed him as she indirectly chided him for his mistake was purely malevolent, but she had no idea whether or not he noticed. Her attention was soon turned back to his bulge, which now had several foot long tentacles flailing from the tip. She felt his body tense yet again, and watched in fascination as more monster emerged. She knew from her studies that it would always exit tentacles first, and was pleased to see that everything was playing out by-the-book. Another climax, another push, another squirt from the bottle of lube, and then back to furiously pumping her hands on his swollen bulge. She was enjoying herself more than she'd expected, and was almost disappointed as her subject began to move his arms again and lift his head. And speak.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HOLY--"  
"You should take over for a bit, I need to fetch you some more water."

Dumbfounded, Karkat watched her stand up and leave him to his own devices. His hands were still stiff, but he got to work anyway, promising himself that once this was over, he'd never, ever jerk off again as long as he lived. Rose returned with the water as promised, but also an embarrassingly large bucket, which she placed between his knees. She tipped it on its side and gently guided the tentacles into it; presumably it was to contain the horror when at last it was freed. Rose noted that the bases of the squirming appendages, which were just now emerging, had taken on a reddish color from having absorbed the pigment from Karkat's genetic material. Satisfied that when the monster was finally emancipated from its host that the bucket could be easily righted to contain it, she took over from her exhausted subject so that he could drink. Karkat, meanwhile, was in too much pain to be concerned about the indignity of the bucket., which he of course interpreted as a sign that Rose was, in fact, interested in him as a partner. He chugged the water greedily, and felt reinvigorated. He hadn't even realized how thirsty he was.

"Now, as you've no doubt deduced, pulling on the tentacles makes the poor thing feel threatened. It can release a powerful paralytic to stop you from doing it any harm, though the effects are relatively short lived."  
"GGHHAAA! OK, GREAT, COOL. HOW LONG UNTIL IT'S OUT?"  
"Hmm. I'd say less than an hour."

Karkat had been hoping for "less than a minute", but there wasn't a whole lot he could do about it. In the end, it only took about 15 more minutes of unrelenting torture and orgasms for the body of the horrorterror to start emerging. Rather than a bouquet of tentacles, there was now a single unified piece slowly sliding out of his urethra. Rose excitedly relayed this information to her helpless friend, who was shivering and staring off into space. He couldn't respond, but the look of subtle relief in his eyes told her that he'd understood. Instead of moving only during a climax, each pump of his bulge extruded a bit more of the bright red monster. Suddenly, Karkat felt something shift. Somehow, he just knew: this was it. The grand finale. The coup de gras. The moment when his suffering would end and hie'd have his life back. The accumulated reward that the parasite had convinced his subconscious he would receive. Calling on reserves of strength he didn't know he had, he sat up and grabbed at his bulge involuntarily. The eagerly grinning human withdrew her hands immediately; she knew there was no way he could stop himself now.

It was finally time for that sweet release. Karkat felt an orgasm building, the one he'd been waiting for. The last push before he was free of this thing. It built, and built, and built, and reached the intensity he had come to know as the absolute peak of pleasure...but it didn't stop. His hands quickened, and pleasure mounted further still. The bright red body of the accursed parasite was practically flowing from the tip of his bulge. Overall, it was roughly the shape of a squid about three feet in length. Karkat's breath began to catch as he reached levels of pleasure he could scarcely have imagined. Rose guided the slippery monster into the bucket. At last, the final inch of the monster left the troll's urethra with a wet sucking sound, and all hell broke loose.

"All hell" being Karkat's entire bladder full of jism. A significant amount of the material was useless to the horrorterror, and it had simply been backed up as it accumulated. The red pigment had been partially absorbed by the beast, so what was left was a translucent pink color, which was comforting, since it meant there was no blood in it. And it flowed. A jet of fluid sprayed from his tip, splashing against the bottom of the bucket and partially filling it. Rose hastily snatched the bucket away, getting doused in cum in the process. It didn't bother her; she had her quarry safely contained. Meanwhile, Karkat was experiencing the combined relief of several hundred orgasms simultaneously. It felt as though a small hole had appeared in the fabric of the universe, and he'd thrust his genitals through it into a dimension of pure bliss. The orgasm lasted just over a minute, and every moment was filled with unimaginable ecstacy. The firehose that was Karkat's bulge completely devastated the living room. His legs were drenched all the way down to his toes. of course, but there was a significant amount of spray that had landed on or near his torso. Rose's bedding was a complete write-off. As his climax waned, the spray quickly became weaker, until finally the last drop of genetic material leapt from the end of his bulge.

As quickly as he'd sat up, Karkat fell back down. He lay there, shivering uncontrollably in a huge puddle of his own cum, with the biggest smile on his face and pupils the size of dinner plates. He'd done it. He'd survived, and he'd gotten his reward. And there was absolutely no doubt in his mind: it was worth it.


	10. Back to normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm leaving a note here because I made several changes to the previous chapter. The changes are pretty minor and what happened stayed more or less the same, but I wasn't satisfied that I'd described things clearly. Reread it if you want, but I doubt it changed drastically enough that anything in this epilogue won't make sense.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

EPILOGUE

The general routine of simply hanging out in one of the parks built in their honor had been only slightly disrupted by the absence of Rose and Karkat. They hadn't been told everything, of course, only that he had some kind of malady that only Rose was qualified to deal with safely. When she'd returned to their regular gatherings, roughly a week ago, she had given a quick update: their friend was doing just fine, but needed some time to recover. Now that that time had passed, he was finally able to return to their usual gatherings. He hoped they wouldn't ask too many questions.

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. BESIDES, IT WAS AS UNINTERESTING AS IT WAS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"  
"alright fine. we just were worried is all…"  
"Speak For Yourself John I Was Quite Looking Forward To Hearing The Gory Details Right From The Source"  
"NONE OF YOU ARE HEARING ABOUT ANY GORY DETAILS, FROM THE SOURCE OR OTHERWISE. AND BY "OTHERWISE" I MEAN ROSE IS BOUND BY DOCTOR PATIENT SECRECY OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT'S CALLED."  
"Don't fret. My oath will remain untarnished by the siren's call of spreading gossip."

\--Flashback--

"so was he coughing up bouts of alien phlegm onto the walls exorcist style"  
"As entertainingly vivid as that description is, no. I'd describe him more as a victorian-era child afflicted with consumption."  
"o shit u mean hes even more gothic-lookin than usual?? :0"  
"Yes, although that might be due to the abundance of pentagrams and other religious iconography I placed about the room."  
"oh yeah ok rose thats not like the exorcist at all"  
"come on dave! have you even SEEN the exorcist? stop referencing movies you never even saw!"  
"ugh nevermind last time i did that you made me watch alien and that shit was--sorry jade is there something you find funny about the indescribable torture of watching bad movies with john?"  
"alien isn't a bad movie!! but yeah what's so funny?"  
"sorry guys!!! i just got...reminded of something. haha. it's nothing, don't worry :)"

\--Present--

"Playful Banter Aside We Are All Grateful To Have You Back"  
"GREAT. FANTASTIC! LET'S NEVER BRING THIS TOPIC UP FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE SEPTIC TANK WHERE IT BELONGS. THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE HERE. WAIT, WHERE'S JADE?"  
"OH Y34H, J4D3 S41D TO T3LL YOU GUYS SH3 C4N'T M4K3 1T TOD4Y."

\--Flashback--

Tears poured down Jade's cheeks as she recovered from another bout of laughter. Covering her face with her hand to steel herself for whatever hilarious developments were described next, she turned the page of Rose's observation notes. Any misgivings she may have had about her role in this debacle were long gone. When her giggles subsided, she opened her fingers and peered between them at the page below. Oh shit, this page had a little doodle in the margin of Karkat screaming "THIS IS A RAGE BONER! I DON'T LIKE YOU!" and covering his crotch. Jade's knees would have buckled had she not been sitting already, and she slammed her fist on the table as tears of laughter began to well up again. When she managed to open her eyes again, she saw Terezi sitting at the table across from her and nearly jumped.

"AAH! jeez, way to scare me half to death!!"  
"1 WOULD H4V3 S41D SOM3TH1NG BUT 1 D1DN'T W4NT TO 1NT3RRUPT. YOU S33M3D BUSY; TH4T BOOK MUST B3 QU1T3 4 R34D!"

Jade instinctively tried to cover the page with her hands...but...what was the point? Terezi couldn't see it anyway. A quick glance around the interior of the Troll Starbucks confirmed that nobody else was looking, either. Her secret was safe.

"haha, yeah...its a riot! :D"  
"4NYW4Y 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO TH3 P4RK TOD4Y? K4RK4T'S GONN4 B3 B4CK!"  
"oh! uhhh...no, actually i, uh, have to finish this… :/"

She hoped the troll's sharp sense of smell hadn't picked up on the sudden redness in her face. Or the deceit in her voice...

\--Present--

"whatever it doesnt matter one of us will tell her you dont want to talk about the intractable hardship known as having a cold"  
"OH NICE TRY! LIKE I'M GOING TO FALL FOR THAT ONE AND GIVE EVERYONE A FUCKING EARFUL ABOUT HOW *AWFUL* IT WAS! NONE OF YOU ASSHOLES WILL EVER APPRECIATE THE DEGREE OF SUFFERING I'VE HAD TO ENDURE, AND THAT'S OK! JUST PRETEND IT *WAS* A FUCKING COLD. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE EXACTLY A FOUNTAIN OF SYMPATHY, PISSING CONDOLENCES DOWN ON ME LIKE CHEAP CIGARS."  
"At the risk of glossing over that tragically mixed metaphor prematurely, I'd like to reaffirm that all present were notably concerned about your condition during your recovery."  
"Yup. We got you a cake and everything. Says 'Congrats on the cold' on it."  
"Oh! A cake! That's a great idea, Dirk."  
"oh boy here we go….."  
"Shush, John, you don't have to have any if you're so upset about confection! Might I use your lab again Rose? I hate to be a bother, but your lab makes the most remarkable kitchen…"  
"Alas, now would be an inauspicious time for you to avail yourself of my easily-replicable array of lab equipment."  
"Yes Jane I Can Confirm The Current Experiments Taking Place Seem As Messy And Unpleasant As They Are Mysterious"

\--Flashback--

Kanaya opened the door to her matesprit's lab just in time to see splatter of red strike the wall not two feet from her head. There were many such splatters to be seen around the lab, and their apparent source was being manhandled into an open containment capsule; the kind in which all of Rose's horrorterrors were housed. This particular specimen was proving especially feisty, using two of its tentacles to brace itself against the opening to the tank and one of them to launch globs of...whatever the hell that stuff was. It looked as though the process would have been quite quick had Rose not been so overly cautious about harming the damn thing.

"Is Everything Quite Alright In Here"  
"Absolutely. I apologize for the noise; this fellow is just a tad overdramatic."

On cue, the thing let out an unearthly sound, like a bass-boosted pig squealing in an empty auditorium. No sooner had the call subsided than another glob of god-knows-what was launched, narrowly missing Rose and landing on a pile of papers behind her.

"Thats Fortunate Because It Would Appear That Assisting You Would Most Likely Prove Terminal For My Attire"

Thankfully, god tier outfits magically laundered themselves somehow. Rose wasn't exactly drenched, but clearly the creature's aim was good enough that it had gotten a few hits in. Kanaya stepped back and closed the door to the lab. No sooner had it latched, she shuddered visibly at the thought of cleaning that gunk up. Her questions about how Rose had acquired this specimen would have to be shelved; it wasn't worth being pelted with goo.

\--Present--

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS HAVE A FUCKING CAKE ORGY, JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!"  
"Golly. If there were any doubts about our pal being back to his curmudgeonly old self, let them be put to rest here!"  
"I can assure you the troll you see before you today is utterly unchanged. He had reverted back to his old self by the time I departed; his week long stint in solitude was wholly unnecessary, medically speaking."  
"goddamn what did you even do for a week by yourself to pass the time i mean you werent even online"  
"SHUT UP, NOBODY CARES! EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL!!"  
"TH3N HOW COM3 1 C4N SM3LL YOU BLUSH1NG FROM H3R3?"

\--Flashback--

"I'll be taking my leave presently, but you mustn't be reticent to summon me if you suspect something requires my attention."  
"THE LAST THING I WANT RIGHT NOW IS ATTENTION. IN FACT, TELL THE OTHERS I'M STILL RECOVERING. YOU KNOW, PSYCHOLOGICALLY."  
"Understandable. Just make sure to keep your fluid intake up, and--"  
"YES! YES! I KNOW! WE JUST GOT DONE CLEANING MY FLUIDS OFF EVERY SQUARE INCH OF THAT GODDAMN ROOM! ALSO, UM. THANK YOU FOR HELPING CLEAN THAT SHIT UP."

Rose lifted her bags and flashed a grin at her friend.

"Don't mention it."  
"ALSO ALSO, THANKS FOR...THE ENTIRE...REST OF EVERYTHING. YOU KNOW."

Her grin widened as she watched him fidget and avoid eye contact.

"You're welcome, what are friends for. I must reiterate that I'm only a pester away if you need me. Au revoir!"

Karkat waved goodbye as she carried her luggage out of his hive and the front door swung shut. The moment he hear it latch, he was sprinting upstairs to his husktop. Finally, he was alone. He opened Goregle, and paused momentarily while he wrestled internally with the idea that maybe he shouldn't be doing this. Maybe it was too embarrassing. Maybe his future self would use this as an excuse to hate himself. Fuck it, his future self would no doubt have more than enough such excuses. His search contained only one word: Orange. A series of images depicting various shades of the color covered the screen, and it took him only a moment to select the right one. He clicked on it and it filled the screen...and his mind. He stared at it, transfixed, as he clumsily removed his pants and tossed them aside. A quick glance at his bulge confirmed that it was back to its usual proportions, and then his attention was back to the screen. As he began to jerk off, he closed his eyes, with the afterimage of that orange square still vivd in his mind. With just a little bit of imagination, he could visualize a little yellow sun in front of it, and a smiling face above it. A gorgeous, alluring, friendly face...just like in his dreams. He climaxed quickly as imaginary Rose blew him an imaginary kiss, and opened his eyes. Hopefully he'd be able to hang out with the rest of his friends soon without being a hot mess in Rose's presence. Part of him hoped that he'd get his newfound crush out of his system by then, but he knew deep down that this wasn't going to go away.

Sure, he was back to normal...because from here on out, "normal" included his obsession with that smiling orange goddess.


End file.
